Missing Link

One of the hardest things I’ve done

by John on Mar.25, 2009, under Personal

I didn’t feel sad when my grandmom died.  I didn’t feel angry or happy or really anything at all.

Don’t mistake that for me not loving her deeply – I did.  A lot.  And today I wish I had taken more time to get to know her before she passed.  At the time, however, I felt astonishingly blank.  I was a sophmore in high school, and was going through a peculiar time in my life.

To make a long story very short (I’ve written about it on this blog before),  I was misdiagnosed by a horrible psychologist who believed me to be unbearably depressed as well as suffering from ADD,   with a mild case of schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder thrown in (i’m not enirely sure, but one of the drugs they had me on is used to treat those).   The asshole had me on ritalin or something like it,  prozac and risperdal.    The net effect on me was that I was still lazy, still not depressed but now COMPLETELY devoid of emotion.  I felt NOTHING.  It SUCKED.

Fast forward almost 15 years to present day.   I’m 27,  in Pennsylvania,  and my uncle is dying.  The entire day I am fighting back tears that are welling in my eyes.  I avoid people because for some strange reason I don’t want them to notice.  My uncle is a mere shadow of the man I know, and it pains me to see him suffering.  I pray for a quick end,  for his sake.  His journey is fast coming to an end, and what a long and amazing journey it has been.

The first thing he said to me upon seeing me this morning was “I’m sorry I won’t be at your wedding, but it’s one less drunk for you to have to deal with.”  I almost broke down right then, but remained strong.  I told him he’s one drunk I wouldn’t mind dealing with one bit.

There were a few emotional moments during the day,  but the hardest thing I’ve ever done came shortly before we returned to the hotel.  One by one we went in to see him, and to say our goodbyes.  The tears were welling in me before I even got to the door, much like they are now recalling this.   I won’t go into details about what was said (other than me promising to keep my father honest in golf).  It was the first time I’ve had an opportunity to really say goodbye to someone who was dying.  It was the first time a relative was dying that I really could FEEL the loss.  FEEL the emotion.

Going in I wondered what I would say,  I had no idea what to say.   The words thankfully just lept from me without conscious thought.  I suddenly knew, as I sat holding his hand, what I had to say.  And as sad as I am that he’s no longer going to be with us… I will cherish that moment, along with so many others, for the rest of my life.

I will miss you, Uncle Marty.

:,

4 Comments for this entry

  • Liz
    March 26th, 2009 on 12:06 am

    *hug*

    I know how you feel. Don’t shut yourself off from the world, it will make it worse.

    If you need anyone to talk to I’m here for you.

    Reply
  • KittyMarie
    March 26th, 2009 on 7:09 am

    I’m so sorry.

    Reply
  • John
    March 26th, 2009 on 10:45 pm

    I’m not shutting myself off from the world – don’t worry. I avoided other family at the time simply because I didn’t want to give in to the emotions I was feeling. Once I was ready to I did.

    I’m glad I went, and glad I have had the opportunity to say goodbye.

    Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and words – it’s appreciated.

    Reply
  • Matty P!
    March 31st, 2009 on 1:24 pm

    good man, milton. good man.

    Reply

1 Trackback or Pingback for this entry

Leave a Reply

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:

Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!

Archives

All entries, chronologically...