Missing Link

I hate pickles.  There.  I’ve said it.   It’s out in the open.  But, for some reason I don’t feel better. Maybe it’s because everybody and their mother (and their mother in law too, if they’re married) seems to think it’s a great idea to make them part of every meal. If you’re eating out, that is.

I’ve noticed, over the years, that whenever I go out to eat anywhere and end up ordering a Sandwich, it comes tainted with pickle.  Sometimes it’s as relatively harmless as a pickle wedge on the plate (though some places, for some strange reason, think it’s perfectly acceptable to put that UNDER your fries….so your fries can soak in all that lovely pickle juice… ugh).   Other times pickles make an unexpected (and un-listed) appearance on the sandwich itself. 

Now – I know what a lot of you are thinking. You’re thinking “if you hate pickles so much, just order your food without one!” Which is what I do – when I know there’s a pickle involved.  The problem, and what drives me absolutely batshit crazy (apparently batshit is the epitome of crazy) is that almost NOBODY actually LISTS pickles as one of the ingredients on the sandwich (or as a side item, in the case of wedges).  Some places do – and when they do I respectfully ask for no pickle.   Half the time they respect my wishes, the other half they sneakily place the pickle under my fries.  I suspect this is a deliberate attempt by a passive aggressive waitress to piss me off.   

Anyway, most of the time there is no accounting for a pickle on the menu,  so I oft find myself cursing humanity while pulling pickles off my food.  

So why do I hate pickles so much?  The taste.  And smell.   I cannot stand either.   This makes it especially bad when I have to pull pickles off my food, as they leave their juices all behind which smells, and tastes, just as bad as the pickle (obviously), and thus makes my food smell and taste of pickles.  Ew.  This, consequently, is why hiding the pickle under my fries is almost an unforgivable sin – just ask anybody who has seen my reaction when I find something like that.

Just yesterday, at lunch, I ordered a club.   While there was no mention of pickle on the menu, I had a feeling one would rear it’s ugly head.  What I didn’t expect was that not one, but 4 pickle slices were anchored to the top of my sandwich with toothpicks – making the top piece of bread quite soggy and requiring me to perform surgery on the bread before I could eat the sandwich.   The surgery consisted of cutting the soggy parts out of the bread so I could enjoy my food free from the taint of the pickle juice.  

I wanna meet whomever decided that everyone must love pickles, and so we should put them on everything,  and punch him (or her, i’ll make an exception in this case) square in the nose.   Asshat.